My Surgery

My surgery was booked for January 5th. I stayed at the hospital for a few days after I was told about the procedure to get more blood work done and to get more comfortable with my NG tube. I did not insert the tube once, I was told that I had to learn how to do it myself because it was my only source of nutrition for a month and worse case scenario, if I was every alone, I would have to insert it myself. 

I did not insert it once, ok once… but that was only because I was forced to. The nurse wouldn't leave the room until I stuck it up my nose and down my stomach. It already feels weird going in but it felt 10 times weirder doing it myself. 

I finally got released from the hospital again… The day after I was released, my dad took me to the mall to go Christmas shopping and just to try and make me feel better about my situation… He bought me everything I wanted at every store, he spent hundreds of dollars on me at Sephora and it honestly did make me feel better but only in the moment… It didn't change the fact that I couldn't eat for a month or that I was sick. I know my dad tried though, everyone tried to make me feel better - there wasn't much that could make me feel better though. 

That year, my family spent Christmas in Blue Mountain, which is a ski resort up north, they have a really cute village with shops and cute restaurants. I didn't ski that trip but I have been skiing my whole life, every winter for as long as I could remember. We went up with some family friends, we hung out with them for most of the trip in the village or at the cottages we rented. Every night my dad would stick the tube up my nose. I was only allowed to drink water and iced tea because it was pretty much clear. 

On Christmas Eve, we went to our family friends cottage for dinner, they had all this food laid out on a table, they were drinking and talking. People asked me why I couldn't eat and they all felt bad for me and they kept looking at me like I was dying which I hated. I know they felt bad and I guess I can’t blame them for not knowing how to act around me but I remember feeling very uncomfortable. 

I ended up getting a miso soup from a Japanese restaurant in the village but we had to strain it… it was disgusting, I felt so bad because I know the family was trying to help but we strained all the flavour from the soup. Half way through the dinner, I just walked into one of the bedrooms and closed the door behind me and just sat on the floor and looked in a mirror and started crying. My dad walked in and saw me and hugged me and started crying with me which made me cry harder. He told me he wished that he had the disease instead of me so I wouldn't have to suffer. I hate seeing my parents or anyone I love cry, it physically hurts my heart. It was weird because I knew that he felt bad for eating because I couldn't eat but obviously he had to eat, he couldn't starve himself. There was nothing anyone could do.

When we got back to the city, it was getting better, I was getting used to not eating. Except when someone tells you that you cant do something, you want to do it more. I tried not to spend any time in the kitchen, I did not sit with my family when they ate. I was getting used to the not eating part but I was not getting used to the NG tube. I dreaded my dad calling me to stick the stupid thing up my nose and I dreaded pulling it out every morning. My mom had to wake up in the middle of the night, every night because the fluid that goes through the NG tube ran out half way through the night.. I felt so bad for my parents having to watch me go through all of this and having to deal with it all. The one thing they always told me was not to try not to worry about it and try to enjoy my life. 

I tried to live my life normally, I babysat like normal and saw my friends. I tried really hard to not think about it. Finally, the day came, the day of my surgery, I was so happy. We got to the hospital and signed in and I had to change into scrubs, do all the typical surgery prep. I was so eager to get it over with while my parents were sitting nervously. When I was lying down on the stretcher, the doctors and nurses began putting all these wires and sticky things all over my body. The only thing I was really stressed out about was the IV. The doctors came to me when it was time to stick it in and he told me that my dad explained to him how much I hate IVs, so he gave me the option to give me laughing gas to put me to sleep and they would stick the IV in when I wasn't conscious. He then explained to me that they only give babies laughing gas and patients who really need it… so I chose the laughing gas option and fell asleep. 

As crazy as it sounds, I did not think about the pain or recovery after the surgery. I am fully serious when I say, all I was thinking about was that my stomach wouldn't be sick anymore and I could eat and everything will go back to normal. 

When I woke up from my surgery, I was fine, I had gauze and stuff all over my incision so it wasn't visible to me. It hurt so much and it was right in the middle of my body, so making any movements were so uncomfortable. I guess the fact that they would be cutting into my stomach did not cross my mind when I was so excited about the surgery. They cut an incision right under my belly button and two other small ones close to my hips. They removed 18 centimetres of my small intestine- so all the inflamed areas were removed then the healthy ends were sewn together. 

I woke up with an IV in me and hooked up to morphine. I stayed in the hospital for a week after my surgery so that I can heal with doctors supervision and have morphine for the pain. I hardly moved, I just sat in my hospital bed and watched TV. I had a button for the morphine and I pressed it way more than I should have. Every time I had just the slightest bit of pain, I pushed the button. 

After a week of recovering in the hospital, I was told I could consume food. I was so excited, I still couldn't leave the hospital so my food choices were limited- or I think I could leave but I had no energy to go outside… For some reason I chose sushi to be my first meal after not being able to eat for a month. Sushi is one of my favourite foods but I guess thinking about it now I probably shouldn't have eaten raw fish for my first meal in a month. I ate one piece and wasn't hungry anymore- I don't think I was even hungry at all, my stomach closed up and I had no appetite for anything… I slowly had to start eating things to get used to consuming food again. When I got home, I was told to rest for two weeks. I was off morphine and the night I got home, I started to have withdrawal. I cant even explain what was going on with my body, my dad had to drive to a 24 hour Shopper Drug Mart to get me sleeping medication.